Ooey, Gooey Oatmeal Cookie Dough Pie

Happy Halloween!

In light (or in dark? ...muahaha.) of this holiday, it's time for a scary recipe. So hang on to your seasonal candies, readers. It's about to get spooky up in here. (You can leave the generic brand peanut butter cups and black licorice behind, though. Grody.)

There's nothing particularly frightening about oatmeal cookie pie. Rather, it's what lies beneath the treat's surface-- an unusual ingredient lurking in the dessert's depths, snaking through the oats and chocolate chips to produce the particular ooey, gooey texture inherent to its deliciousity.

What is it?
Are you ready?
Are you really ready?
Have you finished chewing that Snickers yet? I don't want it to be a choking hazard.

The scary, weird, and all-around oddball ingredient is: cannellini beans!

AAAHHHHHHHH FIBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't worry-- you can't taste the beans at all. Pureeing them just gives the pie a cookie dough texture, and there's enough brown sugar in here to negate all bean-y taste. It's especially sinful with a scoop of ice cream.

Ooey, Gooey Oatmeal Cookie Dough Pie

1(15 oz) can cannellini beans, drained

1/2 cup old fashioned oats

2 T. applesauce

1 T. canola oil

1 t. vanilla extract

1/4 t. baking soda

1 t. baking powder

1/4 t. salt

3/4 cups brown sugar, packed

1/2 cup chocolate chips

1.) Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray a pie pan with non-stick spray and set aside.

2.) Add the beans, oats, applesauce, oil, vanilla, baking soda, baking powder, salt and brown sugar into a blender or large food processor. Pulse until smooth. 

3.) Fold in the chocolate chips, then pour into the pie pan. Bake for 30-35 minutes, or until top is golden brown. Slice in wedges and serve. 

Adapted from: Chocolate Covered Katie 

Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal

Want to know the quickest way to my heart? Just meander on through my ribcage and stab through the pericardial sac.

Want to know the second quickest way to it? Pumpkin.

But you're a regular reader, you probably knew that already. I just had to make sure you were aware of the first method. (Which I'd appreciate you not partaking in.)

Pumpkin is my bro, homie, boo, g, and Valentine. I can always depend on that squash to squash all possibilities of a dish tasting like dirty doornails. This is one of my favorite ways to jazz up oatmeal. I save dirty doornail oats for my "I need to go to the grocery store" days.

Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal     Serves: 1
1/2 cup old fashioned oats
2 T. pumpkin puree
1 T. brown sugar
1/4 t. cinnamon
1/8 t. allspice
1/8 t. nutmeg
1 t. vanilla extract
Chopped pecans

1.) Microwave the oats according to the canister's directions. Stir in the pumpkin, brown sugar, cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, and vanilla. Top with a handful of chopped pecans.

PBR Chili

There are two types of PBR drinkers:

1.) The Hilbilly: wears jorts, 1980s D.A.R.E. sleeveless t-shirts, and owns a pet chinchilla.

2.) The Hipster: wears jorts, 1980s D.A.R.E. sleeveless t-shirts, and owns a pet chinchilla. Also chooses to view the world behind black, lensless glasses. Prescription frames are too mainstream, man!

But I'd like to add a third type of PBR drinker: The Political Science Grad Student.

Characterized by burdensome backpacks, copious caffeinated beverages, and relatively thin wallets, the PSGS often bypasses the finer spirits for Pabst Blue Ribbon's offerings--especially in the presence of karaoke machines.

So when we decided to have a Sunday Dinner, chili spiked with a can of PBR was the natural choice. Jorts, D.A.R.E. attire, and chinchillas, thankfully, were not a part of the PSGS picture.

PBR Chili    Serves: 12 (party food, people!)
2 lbs. ground chuck
1 lb. italian pork sausage
1 yellow onion, chopped
3 15 oz. cans diced tomatoes (I used one with chiles for added heat)
1 15 oz. can tomato sauce
1 12 oz. can PBR (or any beer of your liking)
3 T. chili powder
1 T. cumin
2 t. salt
1 t. oregano
1/2 t. cinnamon
3 15 oz. cans black, pinto, or kidney beans (or a mixture of the three)
Sour cream and shredded cheese, to top

1.) Heat a large pot over medium-high heat. Add half of the beef and cook until thoroughly browned. Remove to a metal strainer set over a bowl to drain the fat. Add the remaining beef and repeat the process, then brown the sausage. Add all to the strainer and set aside.
2.) In the same pot, add the onions to drippings in the pot. Cook until golden, or about 5 minutes. Add the tomatoes, 2 cups water, tomato sauce, beer, chili powder, cumin, salt, oregano, and cinnamon. Stir, then bring to a boil. Add the beef and sausage, then partially cover the pot and simmer for 2 hours.
3.) Stir in the beans and heat through. Serve with sour cream and cheese.

Recipe adapted from: Woman's Day

Lucky Charms Treats

Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have made a double-marshmallow monstrosity that would make any glutton squeal with joy.

You hear that? That's me squealing.
But it probably sounds more like a congested baritone-voiced leprechaun since I've got a wicked cold. Wicked enough to suck the technicolor right outta rainbows. But not enough to keep me from coating my limited sense of taste with Magically Delicious kiddie cereal.

Keep your soup canned, Campbell's. I've got a stereotypical, unrealistic Irish cartoon on my side!

This recipe is so easy and fast. It takes the same amount of time as the intervals in which my nose needs excavating-- which is to say, about 3 minutes.

Lucky Charms Treats    Makes: 16 treats
5 cups Lucky Charms cereal (or the much cheaper generic brand works beautifully, too)
2.5 cups mini marshmallows
3 T. butter

1.) Melt the butter in a pot over medium heat. Add the marshmallows and stir until fully melted. Stir in the cereal and coat well.
2.) In a greased 8 x 8 pan, add the cereal. Press the mixture evenly into the pan with a greased spatula (or your hands). Cool in the refrigerator.

Spaghetti in Pumpkin Cream Sauce

Let's talk about Disney. First of all, the whole empire shaped a solid 88.4% of my childhood. Princess Jasmine and Pocahontas were my homies. Sleeping Beauty was okay, but her anglo-saxon style was a little too pedestrian. I liked my princesses on the exotic side.

I proudly toted a Jasmine sleeping bag to slumber parties like a boss. And when I grew out of it, the bag turned into my own Magic Carpet that my sister and I used to rocket our little bodies down staircases.

If that's not living, then I don't know what is.

My only qualm with Disney revolves around Cinderella. (And no, I'm not one of those conspiracy hawkers.) The part when C's fairy godmother turns a pumpkin into a glittering, magnificent carriage upsets me now that I think about it. It's not the actual metamorphosis that's distressing, but rather the way the characters reference the pre-enchanted pumpkin like it's merely a gord-y speck on their antiquated shoes.

Pumpkins are worth more. They deserve respect, dignity, and most importantly, to be part of a pasta cream sauce.

Spaghetti in Pumpkin Cream Sauce  Serves: 1
2 oz. spaghetti
2 T. pumpkin puree
1 T. cream cheese
1 T. parmesan cheese
Pinch of dried rosemary and thyme
Salt and pepper

1.) Cook the spaghetti in salted boiling water until al dente. Drain pasta (reserving 1/4 cup of the water) and add back into the pot.
2.) Over low heat, add the pumpkin puree, cream cheese, thyme and rosemary, and parmesan cheese into the spaghetti. Stir until cheese melts and pumpkin heats through. Add a splash of pasta water if it seems too dry. Season with salt and pepper.
3.) Scoop into a serving bowl and serve with a little extra grated parmesan.

Fancy Hot Dogs

Hold on tightly to your mullets!
Round up the feral cats!
Slide on your best pair of jorts!
This here's a rootin', tootin', hillbilly of a recipe:

Fancy hot dogs!

What's so fancy about them? Maybe it's the fact that you slice up the frankfurters and saute them with butter and onions. Or maybe it's the addition of the sour cream sauce. But, overall, it's probably just my desperate attempt to make encased mystery meat a high-class affair.

You could use "real" sausages instead of hot dogs. I've personally had my eye on some applewood smoked links at the store, but then poorness blinds me and leads to the sale-priced Hebrew Nationals instead.

That's ok, though--I'm pretty sure this recipe gives me license to apply a temporary boob tat and shotgun some brewskis. And in all seriousness, it's totally delicious.

Fancy Hot Dogs   Serves: 1
1 hot dog, sliced in 1/4 inch thick slices
1/4 cup chopped onion
1 t. butter
2 T. sour cream
1/2 T. water
Pinch of dried thyme
Salt and pepper
Rice or pasta, for serving

1.) Add the butter to a small skillet over medium high heat. Add the hot dog and chopped onions. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the hot dogs are golden and onions browned.
2.) Reduce heat to low and add the sour cream and water. Stir to combine and cook until heated through. Season with a pinch of salt and pepper. Serve with rice and sprinkle some dried thyme on top.

Recipe from: Simply Recipes

Avocado Breakfast Quesadilla

I hit a low point in my life at a dive bar a few days ago. My thought processes briefly considered hookin' on the street corner for Mexican food. Let me explain.

With my hand warming a cheap beer and my busy grad school brain cooling to a classic Queen tune, a massive cheese quesadilla crave-wave crashed over me.

Have you ever encountered an undulating gang of folded tortillas? It's scary, bro. And you can't fight it--quesadilla cravings hit as surely as the sun rises, the seasons change, and the likelihood that Paula Deen is attempting to deep-fry her morning bowl of cereal and milk.

Anywho, true to grad student form, I had no money. So my options were to go all Pretty Woman or go hungry.

Don't worry, Ma! I went hungry. And then I bounded to the grocery store for quesadilla fixin's the next day, innocently-earned teaching assistantship money in hand.

Avocado Breakfast Quesadilla     Serves: 1
1 large flour tortilla
1 egg, beaten
1 t. bacon bits
1/4 avocado, sliced
1 small green onion, sliced
1/4 cup cheddar cheese, grated
Salt and pepper
Sour cream and salsa, for dipping

1.) Coat a skillet with non-stick cooking spray and heat on medium. Add the beaten egg and a pinch of salt and pepper. Scramble with a spatula until cooked.
2.) Lay the cooked egg on one side of the tortilla. Add the avocado, green onion, and cheddar cheese to the same side. Fold over the tortilla.
3.) Wipe out the same skillet and add more cooking spray. Heat over medium-high, then add the quesadilla. Cook until one side is golden, then flip and allow the remaining side to crisp. Serve with sour cream and salsa.

Zucchini Bread in a Bowl

Normally I'm not one to toot my own horn. But if there's a time and a place for tooting, this is it.

And I'm tooting. Tooting all over the place.

Not that type of tooting. More like the "woo-woo I'm a genius when it comes to microwaveable grains!" tooting. This ain't no prune recipe here, folks!

I love zucchini bread. Like, I'd dress a loaf in a tux and marry it. We'd have a wonderful set of hybrid squash/human twins, and Loaf and I would always pay our mortgage on time. It's the American Dream, baby.

But sometimes I don't want to bake a whole loaf. Like any grad student, I've got places to go, people to see, and theories of the policy process to write. It dawned on me that oatmeal could take the place of the bread, then you can simply add in the typical zucchini loaf mix-ins!

Now I've got "banana bread in a bowl" in my sights. I'd dress it in a tux if zucchini bread and I's relationship became stale and led to a crumbly divorce.

Zucchini Bread in a Bowl    Serves: 1
1/2 cup old-fashioned oats
2 T. shredded zucchini
1 T. brown sugar
1/2 t. vanilla extract
Pinch of cinnamon
Pinch of allspice
1 T. chopped pecans

1.) Prepare oatmeal according to the canister's instructions.
2.) After the oats have cooked, stir in the zucchini, brown sugar, and vanilla. Add a few shakes of cinnamon and allspice. Top with chopped pecans.

Banana Oat Pancakes

This was intended to be a happy, cute little blurb about banana pancakes.
I was going to tie-in a 2 am diner experience where I ordered and ate pancakes.

But then I ate sidewalk pavement, which might I add, leaves a considerably less pleasant aftertaste. All in front of two fellow grad students. And a horde of City Hall protesters.

This, my friends, was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. More embarrassing than when the Cool Girls in my 3rd grade class barged in on me in the elementary school bathroom in my Thursday underpants. (It was a Friday!)

More than when I slammed my forehead getting into a first date's car.

More than when my bikini top's plastic clasp snapped and quite literally exploded off of my chest.

And definitely more than when I neglected to deodorize one armpit in the Florida heat.

I wasn't even drunk, so there's no excuse. My ankle didn't twist, the sidewalk was smoother than John Stamos with the ladies, and streetlights seemed to be working appropriately. The only obvious answer is the cosmos and Forces of Embarrassment aligned to strike me down in a heap of horror.

Or maybe pancakes are bad luck. But I'm still willing to take my chances on banana oat pancakes.

Banana Oat Pancakes     Serves: 1

1/2 cup old-fashioned oats

1/4 cup flour

1 t. baking powder

1/4 t. salt

1/2 t. vanilla extract (optional)

1/2 cup plus 2 T. milk

1 small ripe banana

1.) Blend all ingredients in a blender or food processor, except the banana. Once smooth, add bananas and blend until smooth again. 

2.) Heat a skillet over medium-high heat. Spray with cooking spray and add batter by 1/4 cups. Cook until one side bubbles, then flip. This recipe makes around 5 small pancakes. Serve with butter and syrup.

Adapted from: Colourful Palate